Cheating: It's no fun being the other woman either

Fortunately, I’ve never had to experience what Hallelujah Harris has with a cheating husband and three children because I have opted not to marry so far. Contrary to Hallelujah’s journey, I have (unknowingly) been the other woman.

I don’t want to generalize here about military men, but I will add the fact that the guy I’m talking about, we’ll call him Andrew, was also an active military man in the Navy. I met him online, as an initial pursuit of love, but once I met him in person and spoke to him on the phone for a few months, I felt like something just wasn’t right. I couldn’t pinpoint it and I really tried, because after he met my mother, who loved the heck out of him, I really wanted to be able to say what it was that was bothering me. I kept coming up blanks, and it was annoying me because my gut was screaming loudly!

Andrew was incredibly sweet and soft spoken. He was intelligent and adventurous and when he finally met my daughter, he was sweet to her and patient with both of us. But I wouldn’t budge. And for years we were only friends. We remained friends for three years and as his friend I told him about my history, all the craziness I had experienced with different people I dated and my current mission in life as a whole person in the pursuit of happiness. He was supportive, and understanding and always ready to help me if I ever needed it.

One ordinary August day, I was on the phone with him and I expressed a blossoming interest in moving to Puerto Rico. A few days later he told me about a film festival in Puerto Rico and said he’d be willing to take care of the travel and accommodations if I were willing to go with him. I needed a day to mull this over, because I didn’t want him to think that just because he was paying my way, it meant he was “getting some.” When I spoke to him again, he assured me that we can go strictly as friends and that he didn’t want anything from me. He urged me to look at it as one friend helping out another. For my own peace of mind, I reminded him again there would be NO SEX, before I agreed to go.

When we went to Puerto Rico, we had a super time. When I say he took care of everything, I mean, he took care of everything… the car rental; the plane tickets; the hotel; the food…everything. We laughed, and joked and explored and drove around and had a really wonderful time there. Then I started thinking, why was I so paranoid about him? He was great! He seemed to be everything I had ever wanted in a man.

A few weeks after we came home, I agreed to giving a romantic relationship with him a serious try. He was going to be stationed in Virginia and I thought, this long distance relationship would be worth trying to work through. Well, I was only able to think like this for a month, because after a month of being officially “together” I checked my voicemail and sat frozen listening to a message to me from his wife.

Oh, I cried and cried and cried for weeks over him. I cried at home. I cried at work. I couldn’t wait for my daughter to go to bed at night so I could cry alone. I was a total and complete mess because the truth of the matter was, I had grown to love him very much. In fact, I loved him so much so that I felt like a Billy Holliday song… willing to stay in it, despite his repulsive behaviour until he left her. Both friends and family were very worried about me because no one had EVER seen me in a state such as this. Then I snapped out of it. Left him alone for good.

What was his explanation for all of this, well, according to Andrew, when he was me his other life didn’t exist. I existed to him in a bubble and nothing else mattered when he was with me in the bubble. That is psychotic!

I thought I was doing all the right things. I thought being friends first would have warded off all that nonsense, but it did absolutely nothing! However, I did learn many important things from this, but the most important thing is to trust myself. That loud inner voice that sounds like paranoia, is something more like a spiritual guide, and if I keep ignoring it, I’m just going to keep crashing and burning.

Rogue Tantrums